I finally figured out how to use my digicamcorder as a webcam and stuff and I gots me some new icons made of me.

Like, *squee*, and shit.

So yeah I finally had a slight emotional breakdownthrough about how I feel about my father's death.

I've been listening to the soundtrack for months now but tonight I finally watched some of the first season of Glee.

That episode where Kurt joins the football team to try and gain his dad's love or acceptance or whatever...

At the end when Kurt came out to his father and the dad tells him he'd always known and that while he wasn't a fan of the idea he still loved him and he pretty much told him he accepted him as he was.

So suddenly I'm crying like a fucking girl. I'm crying like a nine year old girl who's just seen a pony get shot in the head.

And all I can think is "That's all I wanted. That's all I ever wanted him to say to me."

And the next thought to pass my head was "That fucking selfish son of a bitch!"

He never could accept me as I was. The only time he even made an attempt was because my mother told him that if he expected her to stay with him, he had to tell me how he really feels about me. But even as I was watching him say the words I could tell that part of him was in physical pain saying this to me. I'm glad my mother didn't stay with him. He was a horrible person who never once even tried to see things from another point of view unless he was forced to. And all I wanted was for him to accept me, to try to love me for who I was. Even up to the end he was trying to change me. He never once even thought of how much it hurt me that he could never just try to understand who I was. It was about always him. I'd made him the laughing stock of Manila-Fucking-Arkansas because when he'd demanded to know if I was gay while he was driving down the freeway doing 70mph, I, of course, said "No, Dad! I'm not gay! I'm just different... I wanna be my own person... But I'm not gay."

Well, I'm sorry but after you've been screamed at for over 20 minutes trapped in a truck with the person screaming and then after you're so broken down and terrified of him of course when he demands to know if you're gay, you going to say no.

I have so much anger for this man.

How dare he never try! How dare he rub his perfect happy family in my face every chance he got!

I tried and tried for years. Nothing I did satisfied him.

Hells, when I was in school he had the perfect son: His friend's son. He was so done with me even then that he borrowed someone else's kid who loved the things he did to try and grab some of that perfect father/son chemistry. Even if it was someone else's kid. He was so dead set on experiencing what having a "normal" son felt like that he pretended this other guy was his.

And now that fucking bastard is dead and here I am still trying to figure out what I could have done to get him to just love me. Or at least accept me.

But nothing I could do was enough. Everything he wanted me to be was everything that I was not and will never be.

Fuck him. He's dead and I'll never have true closure. Just one more dead wish to pile onto the steaming load of emotional horse shit that he'd helped build up on my shoulders for so long.

So, ok, I've had my emotional reaction to me father's death and all it's done is make me even angrier at him than before. I guess my consolation prize in all of this is knowing I sent him to his grave a Failure.

He had his perfect family. But he never could clear the blemish that was me off of his pathetic redneck pride.

Well now you're dead, Dad.

You're dead and I never gave in to your expectations of me.

I'll go on being me: the person I've spent years creating who loves himself even when no one else is willing to!

And you?

You're dead.

I don't know what scares me more: The thought of dying... or the thought of everyone I know dying and leaving me alone.

I can't wait till the food's all done. Smells great.

Jess and I decided to have a Spanish/Mexican/Whatever dinner for Giftmas: Chicken Mole, Spanish rice, refried beans, guacamole...

Frankly, I don't care about the food. I just need some cuddle time with Jess.

I literally feel like I'm starving for human company.

I've come to the realization over the last month that I can't stand being alone all the time.

Anyway, time to go see if Jess wants to watch some QAF or something...

Fuck. Today I can't shake this feeling of fear and dread I woke up with.

I feel like the air around me is forming solid walls that are closing in on me and I literally can't breathe.

The worst part of all of it is I can't find the words to accurately describe how I'm feeling and what's causing it.

And since I keep trying to string the words together into something that would make sense and end up staring at this screen with nothing coming to me, I guess that's all I can say about it.

Hope everyone's having a happy Giftmas.